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A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.

Alcohol, because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.

At the store buying 50 condoms.
2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around, looked into their eyes and said: "Make it 52."

Barbie is a bitch and you are her little sister.

Behind every great woman is a man looking at her ass!

Buy condoms and when the cashier asks, if you need a bag, just say: "No, she isn't that ugly!"

Fuck this world, I'm going to wonderland!

Hey vegetarians, my food shits on your food.

I am in Miami Beach! ... Nein, Spaß bei Seite, bin zuhause. ;-))

I am not saying I am Superman, I am just saying that no one has ever seen me and Superman in the same room.

I decided to burn lots of calories today, so I set a fat kid on fire!

If a burglar ever broke into my house and searched for money. I'd just laugh and search with him.

I hate people who steal my ideas, before I think of them.

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

I love it, when my computer says: "Are you sure you want to continue unprotected?“

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

It takes two to tango.

Me opening the fridge: "Baby you light up my world like nobody else."

My daughter is really in Halloween spirit. She has been in her pregnant lady dress for months now.

My wife said, I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect!

Slept like a baby last night. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.

Sometimes I fill up my blow up doll with helium, so it is playing hard to get.

The only "B" word you should call a woman is beautiful.
Bitches love to be called beautiful.

They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?

Wanted to kill the sexiest person alive, but suicide is a crime.

When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it is for them?

You can't finish what you haven't started!

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